


The Agony of Uncertainty

by Wolves_of_Innistrad



Series: Vampire!Alec Series [3]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Being Walked In On, Father-Daughter Relationship, First Kiss, Getting Together, M/M, Making Out, Moving On, Past Character Death, Widowed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-12
Updated: 2019-04-12
Packaged: 2020-01-11 23:19:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18434201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wolves_of_Innistrad/pseuds/Wolves_of_Innistrad
Summary: Alec and Simon are both still morning the loss of their husbands even years after their deaths.  Now living together Simon has gotten them a surprise to boost their spirits.  But when the widowers get a bit tipsy things take a surprising turn.





	The Agony of Uncertainty

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry if you came here looking for Malec and Saphael, rn this took a turn in a different direction than I had originally planned.

          For the first time in years Alec feels… Free. He feels light and happy in a way usually only his family makes him feel, but this is different than that. He didn’t think he could even get tipsy, but the guy Simon hired for blood must have been inebriated in the extreme because he actually feels drunk.

He’d never been a huge drinker, although Magnus had given him a taste for fine wines before he’d been turned, but having nothing but blood for the better part of the last century meant anything slightly new was exhilarating. Not to mention when combined with the usual rush of energy drinking blood gave him. Alec had long since got over his squeamishness over it, this was his life now and had been for so long. However he’d done as much as he could to make it possible for him and his fellow vampires to feed easily.

He and Simon, along with others years before, had worked to help make blood donations safer and easier. Isabelle had designed kits that could test blood faster and more reliable than anything on the market, they’d fostered charities that encouraged blood donations and saw the national average on participation skyrocket. Isabelle had even created a synthetic blood substitute at one point, but very few people besides Alec and Simon drank it as she hadn’t ever gotten around to replicating the taste of real blood, only the effect of quenching their thirst.

Still it meant Alec felt no guilt about drinking the blood, about the way his body felt warm and buzzing with energy.

It meant that Alec didn’t notice the way he swayed as they walked to the couch, the way he stumbled and fell into Simon harder than he meant to.

“Ok, ok,” Simon says, a goofy smile on his face as he takes another sip of blood from his wine glass. “One thing you miss about the old days, and this is a fun night so don’t say people. One thing, like a physical thing.”

Alec thinks for a moment before his eyes turn towards the bookshelves lining the far wall. “Books. New books I mean. I still can’t believe they stopped printing them for the most part.”

“That’s a good one. If I was human I think it’d be honey. But since I can’t eat that anyway I guess I’d say I miss how New York used to look.”

“Before the war, or before the hyper sky rises?”

“Both, but especially before the hyper sky rises. I mean I like tall buildings, and New York was always famous for them, but 300 or more floors is just too much. The population boom means we needed more space but it’s just unsightly.”

“Now you sound like an old man.”

“I am an old man, besides you’re older,” Simon laughs, nudging Alec hard in the ribs and making his glass slosh.

“And wiser, clearly, even after all this time,” Alec laughs as he downs the rest of his drink and nudges Simon right back.

Simon nearly spills his glass, catching it and emptying it before pushing Alec back, playful but with a bit more strength.

That then leads to an all out war of shoving, thrown pillows and vampire speed before Alec finally catches Simon and they fall to the floor.

If they needed to breath they’d both be panting, as it is they are staring at each other as Alec lays over Simon, looking down at the younger man who can’t stop laughing. They aren’t fighting anymore, Simon isn’t squirming to get away, they’re just laying there, on top of one another.

Alec hasn’t been this close to another person’s lips in 15 years. He hasn’t ever been with anyone but Magnus, but right now his body is thrumming with energy he doesn’t know how to use, and he’s s taring down at Simon, who has been there for him for so long, who knows what it’s like to be so alone and hurting and desperate to feel wanted again and something just snaps.

The next thing Alec knows he’s kissing Simon, slow at first, but then Simon pushes up into it after a few moments and they’re kissing harder. Neither man is sure what’s happening, its something both new and old at the same time. Before they have time to really understand thought they hear a sound from above.

 

“Oh… Hey dad...” Madzie says as she stands a few feet away at the open door.

Alec pulls away at vampire speed, wiping his mouth where blood and saliva have dribbled down the corner of it.

“M-Madzie! It, this, I mean, it was...” Alec stammers.

“I’ll leave you two alone...” She says, slowly closing the door as Alec stares after her.

Simon looks up from his place on the floor, bewildered by everything that’s happened in the last few minutes. “Um, Alec…?”

Alec doesn’t respond though, instead he rushes out with vampire speed to find his daughter who’s already halfway downstairs.

 

“Madzie wait! It wasn’t what it looked like!” he calls out, catching her before she gets to the door.

“Dad, you don’t have to explain yourself to me.” Madzie says, and Alec can’t believe she isn’t tossing him against the wall for how he’d just betrayed Magnus like this.

“I do. I can’t, I can’t believe I’d do something like that. It’s never happened before. I… I promised Magnus I would never, he’s the only man I’ve ever loved or will love. I know that in my heart. Simon just, he got us this blood from someone drunk which made us a bit tipsy and I… I...” Alec stared at her, lost and imploring.

“Dad… It’s okay,” Madzie assured, him, rubbing his arm. “Papa would want you to find happiness again, to find love again.”

Alec laughs, almost derisively at that. “Love? With Simon?”

“Okay maybe not love… But you could have companionship. Papa taught me a lot, things I’m sure he told you, about how hard it is for immortals, about love, about loss, about moving on. Papa was your one true love, and you were his, everyone who saw the two of you together knows that. And uncle Raphael and uncle Simon were each others true loves too. But we’re immortal, Magnus wouldn’t expect you to be alone for the rest of your life, for centuries. It’s been almost 15 years, and maybe that doesn’t seem like a lot to us, but it’s long enough. If you want this, or even just want to know that it’s okay, this is my blessing. I know how much you loved Papa, Magnus Bane and Alec Lightwood is the romance of the ages in the Downworld even now. Papa wouldn’t want you to feel ashamed for finding someone to give you a little happiness and comfort, especially someone like uncle Simon who experienced the same thing first hand.”

For a moment Alec can’t speak, can’t say anything but listen and absorb all that his amazing, brilliant daughter has said.

“I just… I don’t ever want to feel like I’m betraying him, his memory. I know Magnus loved other men and women before me, but I was the last one he loved. How can I move on, how can I love again when no one will ever compare to him?” Alec is almost crying now, a tiny trickle of blood flowing down one cheek.

Madzie wipes it off, her own eyes are glistening with unshed tears. This is a conversation they’d never had, even after all these years. Neither of them would ever forget Magnus, forget how much they loved him, how painful it was to lose him.

“It’s not a betrayal to want to be happy again. You’ve mourned him, you’ve been faithful your entire life. No one says you have to look for love, but if it finds you then you should let it. But for now just… Focus on what makes you happy. On what makes this second life worth living, and if you think for even a second that Simon might bring you that happiness or something like it, don’t deny yourself and force it away. Papa wanted you to be happy. He told me… He said if I ever suspected you might be able to move on that I needed to do everything in my power to make sure you could, he was so scared you’d live hundreds of years alone, with only me and the Lightwood-Bane line to look after, but no one to look after you.”

Alec swallows around a lump in his throat, nodding because he can’t say anything right now.

“And if it helps anything… I thought there was already something going on with you and Simon when you moved in together, but papa did say you used to be intensely private in the old days, so I thought maybe you were just keeping things quiet until you worked it out.”

“That… Definitely was not what was happening.”

“Well, regardless. All I want is you to be happy dad, and that’s all that Papa wanted for you too. Now go back upstairs before Simon freaks out anymore than he probably already is.”

That finally makes Alec laugh and he hugs Madzie.

“I love you kiddo,” Alec whispers.

“Love you too dad. Now I better get going. And remember what I said.”

“I will. Thanks Madzie.”

 

With that Alec heads back up to his and Simon’s apartment, not unlike the loft Magnus once owned, not as fancy though. The moment he walks in he sees Madzie was right, Simon is pacing around the room looking nervous.

“Alec!” Simon shouts, moving closer before seeming to remember what just happened and backing off. “I’m so sorry. I guess that blood got us more drunk than I thought and I never meant for anything like that to happen and I know you still love Magnus and I love Raphael and-”

Alec cuts Simon off by kissing him again, this time its fully on purpose and Simon almost pulls away before melting into it. They’re both desperate and needy and without a need to surface for air they kiss for long moments without stopping.

When Alec finally does pull away Simon’s eyes are blown wide and his fangs have descended.

“Fuck...” Simon breathes out.

“That’s… It’s been a while since I’ve done that.” Alec rubs the back of his neck, not sure if he forgot how to kiss Still feeling awkward about this entire thing, even if he can’t deny it felt good to be that close to someone again, to feel that pressure against his lips.

“20 years for me… Wow.” Simon moves closer, taking his hand and leading him back to the couch where they sit down.

“You haven’t been with anyone since Raphael either?”

“No, never. I’ve only ever been with Raphael.”

At that Alec shakes his head, “alright, it’s been like 80 years or more, you can quit pretending you and Raphael and Izzy didn’t have an agreement or something. I know you and my sister fooled around.”

Simon looks shocked, but it’s the fake kind that you have to school on your face. Eventually he seems to think better of it and just blushes. “Yeah, well with Raphael being ace there was definitely… Uh, some needs I didn’t get fulfilled really. I mean obviously I didn’t mind since I loved him and respected who he was, but he did say I could, you know, with someone else if I ever wanted to. And him and your sister were very close so, yes, me and Isabelle did...”

“Yeah I don’t need any details. Please. Like really, don’t ever mention it again.”

“Got it, yeah, ok. So, you, haven’t been with anyone either since Magnus?”

“No. I didn’t think I ever would be.”

“Ever? Wait, but Magnus was your first too so that means… You’ve only ever been with one man in like 100 years?”

“Yes.”

“Ok. So, this kiss, or kisses I guess...”

“I don’t know what this is. I just know… It felt good, and Magnus and Raphael… They would want us to be happy. I don’t think either of us are ever going to move on from them. We loved too completely for that. But maybe… I don’t know, maybe we can have, companionship?” The words come slowly for Alec, repeating what Madzie had said.

“So like friends with benefits kind of?” Simon asks.

Alec groans and puts a hand over his face. “Why are you still like this after almost a century?”

“Sorry, sorry. I just mean… Is that something you would want? With me?”

“No one else knows me as well as you do besides my kids. We both understand what it’s like to lose the love of our life, to go through all of this together. We both know that we’re likely never going to love like that again. But maybe, maybe we can be happy, maybe we can find a little happiness together, if we try. I think it’s what Magnus and Raphael would want.”

“I know it’s what Raphael wanted for me. He told me. I just was too scared to even think about anyone else.”

“Magnus told me the same thing once, but I had promised I wouldn’t ever love again.”

“Then don’t talk about love. You said companionship right? Well, I’m here, you’re here, let’s just see what happens, yeah?”

“Yeah. Ok. Let’s see what happens.”

They sit there for a minute just staring at each other, trying to take in this humongous change between them. The air seeming to charge more and more before finally Simon speaks again.

“Can we kiss again? Because I really, really missed kissing and I didn’t realize it until just these last few minutes.”

“Yeah, so did I,” Alec says, grabbing Simon and kissing him hard. It’s weird and strange and different than anything he’s ever done before, it’s not like kissing Magnus, the man he loved with all his heart, but it doesn’t feel like the betrayal he thought it would, it doesn’t feel like moving on. It feels like something new.


End file.
